Every phase of parenting offers something amazing. At least that’s what my aunt always used to tell me.
As the mom to four, currently ranging in age from 12 to 20, I’ve gone through every phase, at least once. Two of my kids are now in college, one is entering high school, and my youngest is entering his second year of middle school.
I think of my aunt’s words and wonder if she thought this phase, these middle school years, offered anything amazing. For me, these years were and remain the most challenging of my life as a parent.
Parenting three children through middle school has taught me many lessons. While each experience was unique, a few things remained the same for all my kids. These three lessons have proven invaluable.
Power struggles are useless
Sometimes it’s better to walk away. Power struggles are useless. I avoid them at all costs.
With my oldest daughter, I would stay and argue, determined to get my point across. “It’s getting you nowhere,” my mentor, a fellow special education teacher, would remind me. “You,” she said, “need to disengage.” She was so right. Arguing with my daughter often led to an increased escalation that made both of us feel awful in the end.
For some reason, in my work as a teacher, I could identify and step away from power struggles with students. However, it took me three cycles of middle school to apply this skill at home. Finally, I have. I’ve learned that sometimes walking away means closing my mouth and simply saying something like, “I think we need a little space. Let’s talk about this later.”
I’ve also realized that the fluctuating hormones that are ingrained in this time of life can also cause a lot of different, confusing, and frustrating feelings. As a parent, I have tried to become attuned to my children’s moods. I give them a bit of grace by simply stepping aside. Then, I come back later, when they are ready to have a rational conversation. This helps me navigate through difficult moments. It also helps us find solutions to problems together, without arguments.
I don’t have the words for everything
You will not always know what to say, and that’s OK. No matter what I say, sometimes it’s just wrong. What works once may never work again. I have become quite adept at being flexible with my thinking. Here is where I’ve learned to grant myself grace. It has also allowed my kids to see that even though I’m the parent and adult, I don’t always have the answers. This is a valuable lesson for my kids. I’ve also learned that in the moments I do say something foolish, I can apologize. This allows me to model what that looks like for my kids and lets them see that we all make mistakes and it’s OK to own up to them.
Sometimes it’s not about knowing what to say. Sometimes I simply stop talking and just listen. I often try to find ways to identify with my kids so they know I have been through similar experiences. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. On rare occasions, it leads to comments like, “Mom, you don’t understand. You went to school years ago,” or “You never had social media.”
During these moments, I step back and give space. I also remind myself that this phase of parenting involves trial and error. Even after having done it three times, I’m still honing my middle-school parenting skills.
I have friends I trust and can talk to
This phase of parenting can be lonely and confusing. When my kids were younger, they didn’t care if I chatted with others about our lives. That all changes in middle school (and sometimes sooner, depending on the kid). As my children get older, they don’t always want me to share things about them with others. I walk a fine line as I try to find other parents to share with, while also making sure not to overshare.
While I don’t share everything with everyone, I do have a small group of trusted friends. Relying on these other parents to talk to and bounce things off of has helped me considerably. Finding my village has been so important. I’ve made friends with those who have been through it as well as those who are still going through it. We rely on each other for help, whether that is just by listening or picking kids up and carpooling to activities. We understand that little kid problems are traded for big kid problems. Middle school introduces a whole new vocabulary and a multitude of new feelings and obstacles. These other parents have been a lifeline to me, and I to them.
What I’ve also learned is that parenting is hard. Parenting middle schoolers, at least in my experience, is the hardest. Maybe the fourth time will be the charm, and it will be easier this time around. Either way, I plan to continue using what I’ve learned over the next two years to survive my youngest’s middle school years.
