My Son Is a Military Child, Here’s How I Prioritize His Mental Health

“Why hasn’t Dad emailed or called?”

Few things hit harder than hearing this question from my kids.

Sometimes, they worried about the flood of negative news on TV. Other times, rumors fed their fears. Either way, they grew up with uncertainty, always worried about whether their father was alright.

Their father served 24 years in the Navy, 10 of those years deployed with monthlong breaks in between. While I was used to their concerns, I never anticipated the challenges my children and I would face as a military family as they grew up, particularly my son.

My son developed PTSD from the 2011 Japan earthquake

My son is a resilient young adult now, but when he was young, we lived on a base in Japan through the 2011 earthquake and the subsequent chaos that ensued.

The event traumatized him and, then, on top of it all, due to the earthquake, he was forced to leave yet another place he’d called home.

Shortly after, he developed severe attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and anxiety, along with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from the earthquake.

His conditions made it harder for him to establish social connections and adjust to relocations. His grades began slipping. After my divorce from his father, his anxiety and stress mounted.

I could tell that he was struggling, and I struggled to help. I tried to fill both roles of father and mother, but I knew it wasn’t the same.

I knew where to turn when my son was struggling

Service members and veterans can often struggle with mental health issues, but military children’s mental health sometimes goes overlooked.

That’s unfortunate because these children make their own sacrifices, not by choice, to support the active duty parent. Programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters can fill these gaps in support for military children.

When my son turned 10, I enrolled him in Big Brothers and Big Sisters, the nation’s largest volunteer mentoring network that matches adult volunteers (Bigs) with children (Littles). To say that this program has been helpful is an understatement.

I was a Little in the program many years ago. My Big made such a lasting impact on my life that I named one of my children after her. And my son has had a similarly rewarding experience.

It took my son about six months to find his Big, but the wait was worth it. His Big is a Marine veteran who understood the nuances of military life. He showed up for my son in ways that I sometimes couldn’t, given the many hats I was already wearing as a working parent.

My son’s Big was the father figure that I couldn’t be

The Big taught my son golf, helped him with his studies, and was a positive presence when — during COVID — my son was diagnosed with congenital anorchia, a rare condition where the body doesn’t produce enough testosterone.

The treatments were rough. Isolation made it worse. Amid this scary diagnosis, the Big was an outlet for my son to express his emotions. As a mother who was also carrying this weight, having the Big’s positive presence made a tough situation more manageable.

While my son’s father is not always present, the Big is still a positive force in his life as he enters adulthood at 19. He’s helping him learn financial responsibility, something I’ve struggled with.

He’s also coached my son with job interviewing skills, like maintaining eye contact, which has always been tough for him. As a result, my son recently landed his first job.

My son’s condition prevents him from having children, but the Big has given him another form of hope: He’s inspired him to become a Big one day, too.

It’s why I’m thankful for funders like the Bob Woodruff Foundation, which prioritize investment in programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters of San Diego and support services that understand and meet the unique mental health needs of military children.

Being the primary parent hasn’t been easy, and it never will be. There were times I wished I could do it all, but I came to realize that asking for help is OK.

Big Brothers Big Sisters taught me you don’t need to tackle life’s challenges alone. My son’s Big, along with thousands of other Bigs nationwide like him, has brought fulfillment and support to my family — a testament to what just being there can truly do.