Some people cope with a breakup by starting a new hobby, throwing themselves immediately back into dating, or finally giving in to those BetterHelp ads. Me? I pack up my life and book a one-way flight to a new city, including, most recently, to a different continent.
It started in 2014 after a brutal three-month run: a breakup, a messy rebound, and getting fired from a brand-new job. I was sitting at home in Johannesburg, doomscrolling on Facebook, when an email came through from an airline offering a deal on flights across South Africa to Cape Town. My interest? Piqued. My credit card? Ready to swipe. My impulse control? At an all-time low.
I booked a flight for the following week and immediately began boxing up my room at my mom’s into three small boxes and sending out invites for farewell drinks at my favorite bar. Little did I know, this major life decision I had made in less than 60 seconds would go on to start a pattern of shaking up my surroundings to an extreme after heartbreak. I did it again in 2021, when I left Cape Town for Namibia, and last year I said bon voyage to South Africa and moved to France.
Courtesy of Lauren Melnick
Moving after a breakup means I get to break old habits
Is making a major move after a breakup a little dramatic? Absolutely, but there is a method to my madness. Every move forces me to confront the post-breakup identity crisis and answer the million-dollar question: Who am I without anyone else?
Starting over in a new place strips away all the relationship compromises, shared daily routines, and habits. The only thing left is me: my habits, my desires, and my identity beyond another person.
It gives me the space to figure out where I may have been performing in the relationship and identify where I lost myself. The crisis I had where I wondered whether I was changing my mind about having kids? It turns out I was never unsure about having children — I always knew deep down that it wasn’t my path. I was just too scared to choose myself and lose my partner in the process.
During my most recent relationship, I stopped doing all the things I love: DJing, hiking, and attending festivals. It wasn’t until it ended and I moved yet again that I realized how much I’d been missing out on when I found myself in Paris at a rave, cheezing so hard my cheeks hurt, asking myself, “How did I forget how much I loved this?”
Courtesy of Lauren Melnick
It’s taught me the art of being alone, not lonely
I believe my heartbreak wanderlust has helped me avoid the trap of using other people as emotional Band-Aids after a breakup. My self-imposed exile gives me the space to sit with my emotions without any familiar distractions (after all, you can’t call up your roster or ex when you’re 7,000 miles away in France). It’s a launchpad to a life of independence and self-confidence, where I’m showing myself every day how capable I am without someone else, each time I figure out something new.
That said, should everyone move to a new city after a breakup? If you have a remote career like mine and no responsibilities tying you to a specific location, I’d say go for it. Being in a different city soothes the sting of rumination because nothing is familiar.
Courtesy of Lauren Melnick
The first time I moved after a breakup was on impulse. When I realized it was helping me process what had happened and improve my relationship with myself, I got curious and wanted to know why. I learned that when I create new memories and daily habits, I’m training my brain to form new associations that aren’t tied to my ex. So when I move, I’m rewiring neural pathways, and I’m spending less energy stuck in a loop replaying the same old story.
But if you can’t move cities, plan a solo trip for two weeks. You’ll still get to reap the benefits of taking yourself out of the familiar and give your heart and brain the chance to reset and interrupt the emotional ties.
It’s an incredible heartbreak cure, and it’s probably the greatest gift I’ve given myself.
