When Sarah from Houston, told John Delony and Ken Coleman on The Ramsey Show that her husband had shut her out of their bank accounts and would not let her see the prenuptial agreement she signed, they heard alarm bells [1].
“You’re in a very abusive situation and you know this, right?” Delony said.
“You’re in a financial and emotional prison,” Coleman said.
Financial control is a hallmark of abuse, and unfortunately it is all too common.
Advocates report that financial abuse shows up in nearly every domestic violence case and it keeps many survivors trapped [2]. Whether or not you have a prenup, financial abuse is against the law. Many states now treat economic or financial control as a form of domestic abuse in civil protection order laws.
Sarah wants to “financially exit” her marriage, and the cohosts assure her she has it within her control to do so — even though it may not feel like it.
A prenuptial agreement is a contract signed before marriage that sets rules for property, debts, and, sometimes, spousal support during the marriage and at divorce or death. The American Bar Association notes that the enforceability of a prenup is based on legal concepts like voluntariness, fair disclosure, and they are only applicable if they do not violate public policy, for example, around the welfare of children [3].
Delony reminded Sarah that “a prenup will talk about preexisting assets. It won’t mean that you don’t get a big chunk of what he has earned while y’all are married.”
During a marriage, income made by either partner is sometimes considered community property, and in some states filing for divorce means splitting up assets acquired during the marriage in a manner deemed fair by the court (usually a 50/50 split) [4]. As in marriage, rights in divorce are governed and will differ by state.
Enforceability of a prenup also depends on timing, required disclosures and the parties’ understanding of the terms.
Some jurisdictions require independent counsel for certain terms such as spousal-support waivers. Courts may not honor prenups in cases where one party to the agreement lacked a lawyer, had limited English proficiency or was presented with an agreement too close to the wedding, and the agreement must pass the state’s fairness and procedure tests when it is enforced.
So, does a prenup “guarantee” that one partner’s assets can always be kept outside the usual marital-property rules at divorce or separation? No.
A well-drafted prenup can protect separate assets, but it is not a blanket shield. Courts can refuse to enforce parts of an agreement that fail disclosure, voluntariness or fairness standards, and they will not enforce any clause that restricts children’s rights.
What a prenup is not is a tool that allows for legal financial coercion in a marriage.
Read more: There’s still a 35% chance of a recession hitting the American economy this year — protect your retirement savings with these 10 essential money moves ASAP
Divorce reduces household wealth because, of course, two homes cost more than one — and it takes more resources to set up a new household. Income is also adversely affected by divorce.
A study by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis shows that individuals who divorced in the previous 12 months earned on average 12% less than married people. Another study on “gray divorce” from Bowling Green State University in Ohio found that women over 50 who divorced experienced a significant 45% decline in their standard of living as measured by an income-to-needs ratio [5].
Your taxes and retirement benefits are also affected by divorce. Prior to 2018, alimony payments were deductible and the party receiving alimony had to pay tax on it. If your divorce agreement was signed in 2019 or later, alimony is no longer deductible to the payer or taxable to the recipient.
Any retirement plan funds you acquired during marriage may also be subject to a split under a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO). If you receive payments under a QDRO, you must include them in income unless you roll them over into a traditional IRA and meet certain conditions.
Depending on whether or not you have a prenup and how much money you and your partner earned during your marriage, dividing these assets can be quite complicated.
“You’ve got to sit down with an attorney,” Delony told Sarah.
“The attorney knows, if this person is unsafe and won’t turn that [prenup and financial records] over, then they make a filing and there’s a disclosure. They have to put all this stuff on the table.”
Seeking professional legal help may be expensive in the short term, but it is worth it in the long run.
Hindsight is always 20/20, and it can be easy to blame yourself for bad decisions after it’s too late. Begin with safety, which means calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (1-800-799-7233) if you feel you are under threat and create a plan that protects you physically as you quietly prepare your finances.
In order to protect your privacy, avoid telegraphing any moves while assembling copies of your IDs, the prenup, bank and retirement statements, tax returns, housing and insurance papers, and evidence of abuse. Storing everything with a trusted person or in a secure cloud server so your spouse cannot interfere.
At the same time, open an account in your own name at a different bank, change your passwords across key accounts. You can also obtain free credit reports from the three main ratings agencies to keep an eye out for coerced debt [6]. If it looks like your spouse is committing fraud, place a fraud alert or a full credit freeze to block new accounts.
With a lawyer, also explore a QDRO to divide any 401(k) or pension and evaluate your divorced-spouse and survivor Social Security benefits. You should also have your lawyer review the prenup, if you have one, for disclosure, timing and voluntariness.
“There are some extraordinary people, I know them, especially in Texas,” Delony assured Sarah, “attorneys who have dedicated their lives to helping women in this exact moment.”
Join 200,000+ readers and get Moneywise’s best stories and exclusive interviews first — clear insights curated and delivered weekly. Subscribe now.
At Moneywise, we consider it our responsibility to produce accurate and trustworthy content people can rely on to inform their financial decisions. We rely on vetted sources such as government data, financial records and expert interviews and highlight credible third-party reporting when appropriate.
We are committed to transparency and accountability, correcting errors openly and adhering to the best practices of the journalism industry. For more details, see our editorial ethics and guidelines.
[1]. The Ramsey Show. “I can’t get access to the prenup I signed”
[2]. National Network to End Domestic Violence. “About financial abuse”
[3]. American Bar Association. “What is a prenuptial agreement?”
[4]. Law Depot. “Community property states: What you need to know for your relationship”
[5]. PubMed Central. “The economic consequences of gray divorce for women and men”
[6]. National Domestic Violence Hotline. “How to recognize coerced debt”
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
