According to the latest data from Bankrate, 2 in 5 Americans have kept a financial secret from their partner [1]. The results of this survey are even more troubling when paired with another statistic: 22% of divorces are initiated over money issues, making financial troubles one of the leading causes of divorce after infidelity and general incompatibility.
So while money problems in marriage are common, are they solvable?
Kathleen from Richmond, Virginia called into The Ramsey Show in August to ask hosts Dave Ramsey and Jade Warshaw for advice on her husband’s financial infidelity.
Explaining that she and her husband had agreed to live debt-free early in their marriage, Kathleen was shocked to discover that he had opened a credit card behind her back, and racked up $6,000 in just nine months. When confronted, he refused to back down, and proceeded to max out the card. After finally paying it down with her help, Kathleen has now discovered yet another secret credit card that he has opened in his name.
She asked, “What is acceptable in my position to help give us a little bit of financial security?”
Here’s what hosts Ramsey and Warshaw had to say — and what financial experts say couples can do if they find themselves in a similar situation.
Kathleen’s husband’s behavior is not just about financial responsibility — it’s about his disrespectful attitude towards her. She described his “super defensive” attitude when she first discovered his secret spending, and his determination to continue spending money they didn’t have on his hobbies, in spite of the fact that they have four children to provide for.
Ramsey said, “This has absolutely nothing to do with money. This is an integrity breach in the most precious relationship on the planet, which is between husband and wife.”
“You can’t trust your husband,” he continued. “He’s lying to his wife and deceiving his wife.”
Ramsey worked hard to break though to Kathleen that her marital troubles weren’t money based, but much more serious, fundamental problems with trust and integrity.
“If he’ll lie to you about this, honey, he’ll lie to you about anything,” Ramsey told her.
He immediately recommended marriage counselling, and prepared Kathleen for the idea that her spouse may never change, and that she may have to consider divorce.
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Ramsey’s blunt assessment highlights a broader issue: what Kathleen is experiencing is financial infidelity.
Hristina Nikolova, an associate professor at Northeastern University, studies financial infidelity in couples and has found that it generally involves six categories: keeping secrets about spending, saving, debt, gift-giving, gambling and income [2].
The effect of all of this can be corrosive on a relationship, even if couples are keeping secrets about “positive” financial behaviors, like saving money or helping their children financially.
Ted Rossman, Senior Industry Analyst at Bankrate echoes these findings. “Money secrets can undermine a relationship. It’s hard enough to meet your financial goals when you’re pulling in the same direction. It’s almost impossible if you’re pulling in opposite directions” [3].
It’s important to note that financial infidelity differs from mere disagreements about money. While disagreeing about how to use money is fairly common, with 34% of couples reporting that they fight about money [4], financial infidelity points to a pattern of secret-keeping where the issue bleeds over into questions of trust, respect and integrity, much like Kathleen’s situation.
Financial infidelity is often as damaging to a relationship as romantic infidelity, and can bring up the same feelings of betrayal and erosion of trust. If your relationship gets derailed by this kind of infidelity, there are a number of things you can do to get back on the same page about money, and rebuild much-needed trust in your relationship:
Share everything: As Rachel Cruze, financial expert and daughter of Dave Ramsey says, there’s no such thing as overcommunication in marriage. If you’ve committed financial infidelity, putting all your cards on the table will help rebuild trust with your partner [5].
Budget together: Cruze notes that budgeting is more than just figuring out where the money goes, it unlocks conversations about goals and dreams, lifestyle choices, and how you want to fund your retirement or support your children in adulthood. Getting on the same page about larger financial goals is key.
Spend without guilt: Budgeting isn’t about preventing you from spending money, but finding ways to get the most from your money. If your overspending is due to a feeling of being hemmed in, find a way to make your joint budget stretch to cover the things you love.
Seek help: Working with a professional marriage counsellor will help couples explore the deeper issues underlying the financial problems created by this kind of infidelity. Working with a therapist or counsellor can also give the partner who feels “cheated on” a space to vent their anger without derailing the connection with their spouse.
Kathleen’s story underscores that financial infidelity is rarely about dollars and cents — it’s about honesty, integrity, and respect. As Ramsey warned her, without trust, the numbers don’t matter. Money may be one of the most common sources of marital conflict, but handled with honesty and transparency, it doesn’t have to be the end of a marriage.
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[1]. Bankrate. “Survey: 2 in 5 Americans in a relationship have kept a financial secret from their partner”
[2]. Northeastern Global News. “Does your partner lie about what they are spending? Research examines how financial infidelity can harm a relationship”
[3]. Bankrate. “Survey: 2 in 5 Americans in a relationship have kept a financial secret from their partner”
[4]. Ipsos. “Money Fights: One in three (34%) partnered Americans identify money as a source of conflict in their relationship”
[5]. Ramsey Solutions. “Overcoming Financial Infidelity”
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
